"But Mommy, Why?"

Ever since Mya turned three she somehow discovered that it is crucial to ask the question, "why?" for everything....and I mean everything! Now the thing about Mya is that the answer that I give her is never good enough. The conversation usually goes like this, "Mommy, why is it snowing?" I say, "Because God made it snow." She says, "Why did God make it snow?" I say, "Because it is cold outside." She says, "Why is it cold outside?" Now this could go on forever, but instead, I end up saying, "I don't know," just to get her to quit asking the question "why?" She seems to be more satisfied with this answer.....or maybe I am more satisfied giving this answer because she has nothing more to say. As a mother, I have extreme guilt for offering up the answer "I don't know" because I am not educating her on anything. I am just trying to get her to be quiet. Well, this has been going on for months and it always happens when we are in the car. Sometimes I get tired of it because she won't accept my answers.

Tonight we were driving to the mall and Mya started with her questions. She asked why there was dirt in the car. I told her that the dirt was from her shoes. She asked why the dirt was from her shoes. I told her that the dirt came from outside. She asked why it came from outside. I told her that the dirt helps flowers grow. She asked why the dirt helps flowers to grow. I said, "I don't know." Then.....my intelligent husband chimed in from the driver's seat and said, "Mya, the dirt provides cellular nutrients that plants need to grow and without it is impossible for the plant to sustain life."....................silence. Mya was totally satisfied with this response and didn't ask anything else. She just sat in silence and was content. Why didn't I think of that answer? Geez!

Merry Christmas!

It is official! I am writing to you from our new laptop. I can't believe it but I am working on a computer that I don't want to throw out the window. Yipee! Dan's parents got us a laptop for christmas and we are so grateful. The picture on the screen is so clear and crisp. I love it! Now hopefully I can keep up with my e-mails and blogs. We had a wonderful christmas and we hope all of you did too!

The Ballet

My sister in law and I took our daughters to see the Nutcracker this evening. The girls were so so excited to go. They were extremely well behaved. They particularly enjoyed the intermission because they could practice dancing like the ballerinas. So cute! And then as Mya put it, "Hey, the movie is starting again!" They made it through the second half just as well. We had so much fun having a girly evening.

My Daughter

Tonight we took the kids to the church because I needed Dan's help moving tables to set up for our MOPS meeting in the morning. When the girls stepped into the garage and looked outside, they saw that it was snowing and that there was snow on the ground. They were so excited. Our usual routine is that Dan puts Mya in the car and I put Sara in the car. So I let Sara look outside and enjoy the snow and then I picked her up and put her in her car seat. Just as I was buckling her in, I heard Dan say, "Julie, you really need to see what YOUR daughter is doing!" I figured she was outside catching snowflakes on her tongue or something fun like that. You see, Mya is the type of child who is very experiential. She needs to experience things with her senses. If it is raining outside, she has to feel it in her hand. She can't not experience something that is interesting to her. Anyway, back to my story....so I looked up to see what Mya was doing and I saw her laying on her back in the driveway making a snow angel. I couldn't believe my eyes and all I could do was laugh. Dan and I just stood there and laughed at her with amazement. It was a neat sight. Mya is the child that would stop to smell the roses when no one else would. She has been talking about making snow angels for months now, and I guess when she saw some snow on the ground she decided it was time to make a real snow angel. There is a lot to learn from Mya. We should never be too busy to experience the cool things in life like making snow angels when it snows outside.

Celebrations

• Tonight we finished our 13 week Dave Ramsey financial class. Yipee! We have learned so much from this class. The best thing that came out of it was the goals that Dan and I have set together. We are really really on the same page and have zero disagreements about how we should spend our money. With an envelope system and financial goals there is nothing to fight about. It has been wonderful for our spiritual and marital life.
  
• Yesterday Dan took me to Columbus for the night. We spent the night at the Hilton at Easton. I went shopping and only spent my allowance money in my envelope. I stayed right on budget and got two shirts that were on sale. It was a successful shopping trip. We had a wonderful dinner, sat in the hot tub, watched movies, and slept in. It was awesome!


• I have decided to grow my hair out very long. I hope that I don't grow it out for years and then decide to cut it off. Hopefully I will like it long.


• Yesterday I ran a race and had a very good time. I averaged 8 1/2 minute miles and ran 6 1/2 miles. Dan, my dad, and the girls followed me in the car for most of the course. It was so fun having people cheer for me.


• My girls are just so so cute!
  

Conversation

Today we were getting ready to leave for Wal-Mart and Sara was throwing a fit. I asked her if she wanted to go to the store and she said, "No." Mya replied by saying, "Well, I guess we will have to leave her here then."

Eating Cookies

Surprises!

In case you don't know, Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I mean....favorite! I love the decorations, shopping, christmas music, cookies, and gift giving. I just love the magic of it all. And having two little girls to share it with just makes it that much more fun. Now the part that I really like about Christmas is the gifts. I have always been a gift person. That is my love language...I love giving them and I love getting them. This year Dan and I decided not to give each other presents because we recently purchased a mattress and a flat screen television. And we are working really hard to stay on our Dave Ramsey budget. We are heading onto Baby Step #3 after the holidays. Anyway, that was a side note, but the reason for writing this entry is because this past week I received three wonderful surprises that I feel so undeserving to get. But it adds to the magic of the holidays.

The first gift arrived on my doorstep last week. The girls and I were playing upstairs and I didn't hear anyone knock on the door. When I took the trash out in the afternoon, I opened the door to the breezeway, and sitting by our door I saw a new mirror. I went to a women's conference at my church last week and that was one of the door prizes. I swore that my name would be called because I really wanted that mirror. We needed a new mirror in our bathroom and it was on my wish list to get with my christmas money. The girl who won the mirror had no use for it, knew that I was interested in it, and just left it for me. Here is a picture of my new bathroom mirror.

The second gift came out of nowhere when Dan's mom asked him if we would like to get a laptop for christmas. I have been very close to throwing our laptop out the window. It is now not portable and jimmy rigged so the cord stays in the back of it. As long as no one touches it or moves it then it works. What an amazing gift!

The third gift I received tonight. Dan and I were driving home from our financial class at church and he told me that he had a surprise for me. He is taking me away next weekend for an overnight at Easton. His office party is at Easton so I knew we were going there during the day, but he arranged all the childcare and planned an overnight for us. I am so excited!!!!

I just love this time of year!

True Beauty

Tonight I found true beauty in the naked bodies of my little children. Now that might sound very odd, but hang with me for a moment while I explain. As I watched them take a bath, I stared at every nook and cranny of their bodies. I was in awe of the beauty of their bodies. The fact that God knit them in my womb and knew their name before they were born is astonishing to me. When they were babies I would stare at them all day long, watch them breathe, watch them sleep, and watch them play. And even though they aren't newborns anymore, I still stare at them just as much. They are beautiful beings and I am so proud that we can be their parents.

"The King is enthralled by your beauty." Psalm 45:11

Hair

I am taking a poll....should I grow my hair out long (like it was in college) or should I keep it short?

Juggling Act

I am learning how to juggle all of the things going on in my life these days. And unfortunately my blog is one of the first things that slipped away from me. Basically, I am on the computer less and less as the kids become more active and I learn how to juggle being a wife, mother, and friend to those around me. I struggle with feeling guilty when I do work during the day because I know that my days are numbered with the girls being young. Yet I know that I am not super mom and it is okay if I don' t do everything perfectly. But I find myself busy with the kids and find out that I don 't have as much time to build relationships around me. It is a juggling act. I don't want to let go of any of my relationships but I sure struggle with guilt because I don't have the time to invest in them lately. It is more likely for me to pick up the phone and call someone rather than e-mail friends. In the past, that was my main form of communication and I loved e-mailing. I don't mind making phone calls, but if you have ever experienced talking on the phone with toddlers around...it isn't so much fun. They suddenly get into everything as soon as I am on the phone. And I can't say that I blame them. My attention is taken away from them completely so they have to find something to occupy their time. Anyway, with all of that said, I am slowly learning how to juggle my days. But I find that I juggle much better with God as my main focus. That is when I feel like I can discern how the day should go and how I need to respond to things. He gives me the strength and the knowledge to do that.

I have to admit, it is nice to sit down and write again. That is definately a form of communication that I love. Both girls are in bed for the night, finally. Mya decided that she was afraid of the lion in her room tonight. I think that was a sneaky way for her to have some time on the couch with her daddy. How can you turn down a little three year old who says, "Daddy, can I hold you a couple moments?" Both girls are doing very well. Sara is talking so much, although we have no idea what she is saying. I had to resort to using pictures to help her communicate because she was getting so frustrated. She is definately a mini Mya. She does and says everything that Mya does. Mya is getting taller, talking more, and just learned how to ride a bike with training wheels. She looks like big on her bicycle riding down the street. Dan is doing well in his job and we thank God everyday that he has work in this economy. We have decided to stay in our house long term and work towards becoming totally debt free. We have been taking a financial class at church for 13 weeks and have learned a lot about saving money and paying off debt. After christmas we will only have our mortgage left to pay. We hope to tackle that in the next few years. We both finished doing our P90X home fitness program. I made it two months and Dan made it the whole three months. I am so proud of him. I have started running again and I am so glad to be doing that. Today I made it five miles and it felt great! I am going to run a race on December 5 with a friend of mine. We are going to do a relay for a half marathon so she will run 7 miles and I will run 6 miles. Unfortunately my 6 miles are ALL uphill. It should be fun. That is about all that we are up to these days. Oh yes, I forgot to mention the coordinator position that I have for MOPS. It is going very well. It is a lot of work and requires a lot of time, but it has been quite a growing experience for me. I have learned a lot about myself and have felt the hand of God stretching and growing me in so many ways. Just pray for continued guidance and wisdom with this position.

Here is the latest picture of the girls. I dressed them up the other day so I could get a christmas picture of them. I think it turned out pretty well!

I realize that I am WAY behind on blogging, but it is for very good reasons. I am proud to say that our life has been wihtout complication lately. Not much exciting has happened recently. And that is a very good thing right now. We are grateful to have a break. I did end up going to the doctor for my panic attacks, but my bloodword came back just fine. I haven't had any episodes since that weekend. So things are good with my health. Dan and I are having fun with a home workout program that we do in the evenings. If I wasn't modest, I might post a picture of my "guns" on my arms, but I won't do that. I have developed some new muscle definition, which is really fun. Too bad it is winter and I have to cover it up. The best part is that I can do so many more push-ups then I have ever been able to do before. It feels empowering. Other than that I am busy with the girls, coordinating MOPS, and teaching the parenting classes for the pregnancy center. These are all good things that I am really enjoying. Life is good!

Halloween Costume

I dressed up the girls this morning to make sure that their Halloween costumes fit. Mya had a blast, but Sara..not so much.

Mya's Prayer

Every once in a while I have to write a post about a prayer that Mya says. This one had me laughing so much tonight. We are teaching her to say the Lord's Prayer and tonight was her first night repeating it after I said it in very small chunks. So I said "Our father" and she said "Our fodder", and that was funny enough. But then I said, "Who art in heaven" and she said very enthusiastically "Grandpa!" We have talked over and over with her about how Grandpa is in heaven now. She heard the word "heaven" and immediately thought of Grandpa. It was a pretty funny moment and she and I laughed and laughed about it. We finally made it through the prayer, but it was hard not to giggle at the way that she repeated words.

This weekend has been interesting for us. Saturday night and Sunday I experience some type of panic attack. Out of nowhere I would feel dizzy, lightheaded, and my chest would feel very hot. Then my hands and arms would feel tingly. Due to these feelings I would panic and have to practice breathing slowly to get through the moment. It would last about five minutes. I had one of these at church today and luckily a doctor was standing nearby so Dan grabbed him to come check on me. He felt my pulse and said there wasn't a concern with my heart racing, which is good. When I told him that I had a D&C two weeks ago due to a miscarriage, he wondered about a panic attack due to the emotional trauma of that situation. So tomorrow I will call my family doctor and have her start helping me diagnose what is going on. It is really scary when it happens, so I hope they can figure it out.

Tonight we had our third financial class at church. We are enrolled in a 13 week financial couse every Sunday night. It has been a great class. Dan leads a small group after we view a one hour DVD on a topic. We have a small group that likes to talk so that makes it fun. Sometimes Dan and I will just talk real with the group and tell them what we struggle with in our marriage when it comes to finances. We like to throw some humor in there too because some of our struggles sound so funny when we say them out loud. Dan is very strong with managing money, paying off debt, and not spending much. I am good at organizing our bills and I have to admit that I have a very good system going. However, I don't like the fact that Dan isn't involved with the details of the system that I have set up. We are both excited for this course because it makes both of us sit down and do homework together and communicate about EVERYTHING related to finances. I am so excited to see what God does with finances and our marriage. We have never had a huge fight over money because Dan is a saver and that has kept us out of debt and on a budget. However, I can't wait to see us both be on the same page with the details of the budget.

Family Day

If I could describe the perfect day for my family, I think it would be today. Dan got home around noon and had the afternoon off. We put Sara to bed for her nap and Dan laid down on the couch with Mya for her nap. The two of them slept while I watched a television show in high definition while hanging out in the recliner chair. Then..the girls woke up and we decided to take them to the fair for the evening. We got to the fair, ate some wonderful pulled pork, and saw lots of people that we knew. Then Mya rode a couple kiddie rides and Dan had a great time watching her. He thought she was SO cute (well, she is of course!). Then he took Mya on the large ferris wheel and she was not scared at all. She definately did not get my genes when it comes to heights. They even got a free ride on the ferris wheel. The guy who was running it must have felt extra nice at that moment. Finally, we went to see all the animals. Then we took the girls home, gave them a bath, put them to bed, and Dan and I did a yoga tape together. We had candles lit and the lights dimmed. It was awesome! I think the best part today was watching Dan watch the girls at the fair. He was so entertained by them. And I fall in love with him all over again when I see him with the girls like that.

Fair Rides

She is finally old enough to ride the rides!

Day Trip

We took the girls to Kingwood Center in Mansfield this morning. The flowers were outstanding and the girls loved the pond with the ducks. We got some cute pictures of them.

"Consider it pure joy..."

James on Trials. That was the name of a book that I did last winter as a bible study with women in my Sunday school class. Little did I know that I would be living through so many trials that I would actually have to apply the information that I learned. In the book of James, it talks about how we are to be joyful during trials. I never really understood that concept until now. But I am so grateful that I had the knowledge from the book of James to get me through our trials. Through the tears and tough days, I never forgot that God has a plan. And that gave me hope and joy that I wouldn't have had in the past. My faith was tested, Satan was at work, and things were just plain difficult for a while. But...I learned that things can always go up when they are down, that grief is healthy, that my husband is very committed and supportive, that my kids can make me laugh when I am sad, and that people all around me are incredibly loving and generous. We had meals, written notes, visits, and phone calls from so many people. I was and am astounded! I can actually say that I feel honored for going through recent trials. However, I am praying that we have a break for a while=)

Kitchen Remodel

I got a burst of energy this weekend after having such a tough week last week so I decided to paint my kitchen. For many years the kitchen has been sage green and I have never liked it since I painted it. Dan has always liked it so I have left it alone, but recently got my mind set on changing the color. I picked a burnt orange color and I absolutely love it. I am glad that the work is done, though. It took a long time to paint with two little kids running around.

Go Arrows!

Mya had her first experience as an Ashland High School cheerleader last night. Her aunt bought her an outfit to wear to the football game. Dan took her to the game and she was so excited to wear her new skirt. She is REALLY into skirts these days. She even got to have her picture taken with all the cheerleaders. We put the picture in a frame and she keeps it in her room. She felt so proud to be with them, even though she was scared to death of them too.

Fall Pictures

Design on a Dime

Me and my two sister-in-laws spent the entire afternoon together today shopping for curtains, a bedspread, sheets, pillows, and a rug for Grandma Brindle's bedroom. We really felt like we were on one of those makeover shows that we watch on television. It was so much fun!

Grandpa Jack passed away early this morning at home. We were ready to leave for church this morning when we got the phone call. Before we left, I was doing dishes and Mya asked, "Is Grandpa in heaven with the baby?" What a sweet, sweet question. Instead of going to church we went straight out to Grandma's house. Dan's mom and aunt thought it would be great to do a makeover of the room that Grandpa died in so Grandma could make that her new bedroom. It took us all day and took a lot of people helping, but we pulled it off. The room looked fabulous and very modern. We found a lime green bedspread, green and white rug, and brown curtains. It made me want to go home and redo a room in my house. We unveiled the room tonight and Grandma just cried and thanked us for the work that we did. It was so rewarding to see her face.

Now we are all home for the evening and just relaxing from a busy day. Tomorrow Dan has the day off of work and we are so excited to have a family day. We are going to take the girls to the parade in the morning and just spend the day together with the girls.

Surgery

I will be having a D&C next Tuesday in the early afternoon. Please pray for peace for me because I get anxious with medical procedures.

Confirmation

I was able to get into the doctor this afternoon for an ultrasound. There was no baby in the sac. She measured the sac and it was the same as the last ultrasound. I am definately sad, but went into the appointment expecting the worst. I continued to do more research on miscarriages these last couple days and knew that it was still a possibility. Last night I had bleeding for the first time so my body was preparing me too for getting sad news again today. Losing a baby is just devastating. There is no other way to put that. It aches so bad deep within me, but I can never lose sight of the fact that God is in complete control. And that thought alone gives me hope and encouragement. I grieve for the baby, but I feel a peace that only God has given me. That doesn't mean that I am not shedding tears for our loss. It seems like it hits me hard in the evening after the kids go to bed. I guess the girls keep me so busy during the day that it keeps me from thinking about things. But once the house is quiet that is when I have my meltdowns. I say these things just to show that having God in my life doesn't mean that things are easy. But I think it is amazing to see how God gracefully carries me through these tough times.

Upcoming Ultrasound

I got the blood test results back from the doctor today and my HCG levels (hormone levels) went up, which most likely means that I am still pregnant. We are trying very hard not to get our hopes up too much, but at the same time miracles do happen. I will have an ultra sound on Friday to see if there might be a baby. Pray hard!

Birthday Wishes

I couldn't ask for any more wonderful things for my birthday today. We got our new memory foam mattress (which we slept on last night), I went shopping by myself last night and found a new bedspread, and I had a manicure this morning. And I get to spend the day with Dan and the girls!

Tough Conversations

Yesterday Mya asked about the baby in my belly and I had to quickly decide what I was going to tell her. I told her that the baby wasn't in my belly anymore and that the baby was able to go to heaven with God. She seemed content with that answer so that was all that was said. Tonight we were coming home from visiting Grandpa Jack and Mya asked if God was going to take her to heaven. Then she said that she wanted to go to heaven. Oh boy, how do you explain that one to a two year old? Dan and I tried our best to tell her that God wants her to live with mommy and daddy instead of going to heaven right now. We told her that God needed to take the baby in mommy's belly because he needed him to go to heaven now. Then she asked if God would keep her safe? I think she worries about this God person coming and taking her away, yet she wants to know what this heaven place is all about. That must be so confusing for a little one to understand. Once we told her that God wanted her to live with us she seemed fine and the talk ended. I can't wait to tell her one day why God takes people to heaven. Then we can start to help her understand what it means to accept Christ. That will be cool!

Today I had my hormone levels checked and they will be re-checked again on Saturday. This will tell me for sure if there is a miscarriage. The crazy thing is that I had to ask to have these checked. The doctor was going to do a D&C (which I recently learned is not spelled DNC) without completely confirming the diagnosis. I don't understand that. I respect my doctor, but it seems like things were done out of order. Anyway, I am sure I will know the results by Monday (hopefully). In the meantime, I just continue to wait and trust in the Lord.

A New Day

I am so grateful that God continues to forgive us and give us new days. Yesterday I made a snap decision to have a D&C because I wanted this whole miscarriage thing over and done with. Without praying about it, I called the doctor and scheduled the surgery for today. But as the night went on the Lord continued to show me in so many ways that the surgery wasn't the way to do. If for any reason there is that 1% chance that the doctor is wrong about the baby not being there, I couldn't stomach having a D&C. So the best way to go now is wait it out and let my body take care of things. That is what we are doing now...just waiting. And grieving. As the day goes on I am hit with different emotions. Sometimes I am doing really well and other times I just break into tears. I am filled with sadness with the loss of our baby and I do need to grieve those emotions. But I am also grateful that God has a plan. He will do good things through this tough time. He already has shown me how much love and support I have around me. Not to mention the fact that my husband has been so loving and compassionate towards me when I am emotional. I am grateful for all that God is giving me. And if anything, I also feel so much more thankful for the two beautiful girls that He already gave us.

God's Plan

I went to the doctor today and found out that I had a miscarriage. When the pregnancy happened the baby never developed. My body thinks that I am pregnant but there is no baby. Please keep us in your prayers as we recooperate from getting this news today. I will have a D&C tomorrow morning in Wooster.

Craziness

Things in our life are a little crazy right now and I haven't taken the time to take pictures of the girls or write on my blog. And boy are the girls growing up! We have a lot going on in our lives with the commitments that I have (MOPS coordinator, developing curriculum for parenting classes, nursery director at church). It has been a very busy summer. And Dan's grandpa is ill so we have been visiting him a lot lately. We are so sad to see him not doing well. He is under the care of Hospice right now and was taken to the Hospice facility on Thursday. Please keep Grandpa Jack in your prayers. And then there is the fact that we are having baby number three and live in a small house. So we have been house hunting a little. We can survive here with three kids, but it will be tight. We are just praying for God's guidance on our house. We absolutely love the house that we live in so we are grateful for that.

I go to see the baby doctor on Monday to find out the due date. I am very excited to see when that will be. It has been hard not to focus on feeling anxiety about the baby's health. I always worry until I see the baby on the ultrasound. I can't wait to see the little heartbeat.

Here are some cute pictures of the girls.